Lets F**k Some S**t up

Deck used is the Zombie Tarot by Sarah Graham, Paul Kepple and Ralph Geroni. Disclaimer for mild gore and graphic images. Please read these posts at your discretion if you are sensitive.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what’s been holding me back for the last several months and there’s been a lot that’s come to mind. The one thing that seems to be recurring is the idea of my insecurity where it comes to my work and what I’m trying to do with it. So where do I need to restart? Where do I need to let go? Let’s have a look shall we?

from the Zombie Tarot by Sarah Graham et al.

The Cards

King of Swords: stubborn, authoritative, judgmental

Ace of Hazards: possibilities, financial rewards, new beginnings

2 of swords: indecision, difficult decisions, different views

In looking at this spread, the thing that seems to hold me back is being stubborn and judgemental of myself. I need to let this go but to be honest, this is really hard because a lot of this comes from what I tell myself. I’ve had experiences as we all have, of trying something and failing so badly. I’m the kind of person that internalizes a lot of things, in both the positive and negative aspects, so it’s hard to let this go. I’ve also, sadly, given a lot of authority to this kind of dialogue because frankly, it’s hard to deny when something isn’t working out in your favor, even as one might be stubborn about it. At the end of the day, this aspect of me isn’t really serving it’s purpose to me anymore and I need to move on. But to what?

I need to move on so I can see the possibilities and successes of what a new beginning can hold for me. I started Lune Rouge from a place of nothing, when I was afraid of getting back out in the job market. I didn’t want to have to dredge up bad memories of my old job (and yes there were bad memories around it…) Even though I was working steadily and earning money, I realized after the fact that I was holding onto a lot of mental stuff that I thought I really didn’t have time to deal with. I needed to, as it turns out, because the thing is, I was getting more and more ill as time went on. When I left my old job, I let the thought of not being sure of what to do next dominate, because I desperately needed time to heal my mental health before going back out there. It was over the holidays last year that I lost my job and a fair bit more happened on top of that left me feeling extremely low and anxious about my future.

Now that I have Lune Rouge up and running, this presents a lot of opportunities for me to use what I learned at my old job and a number of responsibilities I am grateful to have. The thing is, there will be lots of decisions around these responsibilities and some of them won’t come easy. I know there are so many things that I want to make happen for myself and for this business, and I want to make sure I’m using my skills and my time to the best that I can. It’s going to be challenging in the coming months, but I know I can do this.

Blessed Be.